Tuesday, December 2, 2014

I Have Faith

There are moments in life when the clouds part, and something just makes sense, even if it’s only for a moment. They are not often. They are can not be conjured. When they happen, it's a gift. Fitting for the season...

I’ve been reading this blog:

I feel like I’m reading my own words. Words that swirl in my own brain, but I have trouble crafting into full sentences, so she has done it for me.

Michaela, you are a mother of my heart.

I’ve been questioning my faith a lot.

A lot.

I’m talking deep down, soul shaking, life changing, questioning. What do I believe? Do I even have faith? Most of the time, I’m just angry. Angry at Him for not letting me keep my daughter. Angry that the bottom third of my Christmas tree is neatly arranged, and not loaded with decorations the height of a two-year-old. Angry that my grief affects every single moment of every single day. Angry that I can’t sleep at night because I’m worried my son will die while I rest. Angry that I have to live the rest of my life navigating through being the mother of a child in heaven. The rest of the time is spent begging God to help me make it through the next moment of crushing anxiety, fear, letting go, etc. If doesn’t feel like much of a relationship. It feels desperate, and bitter, and confusing.

But then… I look at my little boy, my miracle boy, and I read a statement like this from Michaela:

"My baby. Baby child, quickening in my womb, you are our greatest leap of faith."

And the sky clears. And the sun breaks through. 
Asher’s existence is proof of my faith. All I have to do is look at him and remember that I had enough faith that God was the giver of good gifts to even attempt to conceive him. I had enough faith to carry another child, knowing full well that he or she could be taken at me from any moment, but believing that he wouldn’t. I have faith each and every time I let myself drift asleep, that there is a God that watches over him while I cannot. I have faith. Even though it is small, and messy, and looks a lot different that the blissful, naïve kind, it is there. I have faith. I have faith. I have faith. The more I say it, perhaps the bigger it will grow.