Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Dear Mother

Dear Mother who sits with her child at her side,

There are many things I want to say to you.
Horrible, scathing, lashing words of anger and hot rage, of deep and inconsolable jealousy.

But, because I am commanded to, and please understand, not because I feel like it or want to in this moment, I will choose love. I will choose to feel joy that you get what I do not.

And, instead, I shall say this:

Think of me today. Think of me in the rough moments of being a mother. Because they are there, and they are real, and they are hard.

As you wake every hour, of every night, with a little body that depends so heavily on you, think of me.

As you feel like your day revolves around nothing but poop and boobs and sleep and repeat, think of me.

As that child screams in tantrum over something trite and you feel as if you have no more strength to deal with yet another issue, think of me.

As there are Cheerios, and toys and MESS strewn in every corner of your house, think of me.

Think of the blessing you have in seeing that child breathe, watching their heart beat, getting to be, really BE their Mommy. Think of what I would give for each and every one of those messy seconds with them.

And then, hug them, kiss them, let it go and enjoy each moment you are given with that precious child. For none of us knows when that may end. I was given 37 weeks with my child. 259 days. I pray you will have a lifetime. But please, for me, love that child as if you only had 259 days. Just love. Because in the end, none of this matters. Only them. Only him. Only her. Love them. Just love them with every fiber of your being! Love them with every ounce of love I cannot lavish upon a child right now. Love them for me.

Quinn's Mommy

1 comment:

  1. Hi. Thank you for sharing these words. Any mother who has experienced the loss of a child feels these feelings/has these thoughts and does not share them. I love your vulnerability and honesty, thank you. Alysse passed your name and blog to me because we have experienced a similar loss. I hope it's ok that I have read part of your blog. I love the way you write, you have a gift!!!
    -laura balzer