Wednesday, November 14, 2012

She is (was) here.


Her name is Quinn Olivia.

She is my daughter.

I got everything I ever dreamed of. I am a mother.

I got to be her mommy… for 24 hours.

Who could imagine that the next words I would be writing on this blog would be those of my baby’s birth and death. After everything we’d been through. No one could have prepared us for this.

I am not certain why I feel the need to share these sentiments publicly. Perhaps it is because I want the world to know her. I don’t want her beautiful face to be forgotten. If she were here with me right now, I would already have an album on facebook full of every new and exciting thing she did. Look, this is her face when she’s pooping! Look, isn’t she cute when she sleeps? Look, she smiled! Look, she smiled a little bit bigger than the last time! Typical Mom stuff, thinking their baby is the only one to have ever done anything that cute. But instead I have 88 pictures, my memories of those blissful moments and these words to share with the world. To introduce my baby to them. That’s it. That’s all I have.

She was so beautiful. Every mother says they have the most beautiful baby in the world. I did. I do. None can compare to her. She was absolutely perfect in every way. So delicate, so feminine, so Quinn. She took my breath away when I looked into her face for the first time.
   
“She looks like me!”

It is the most miraculous thing to look upon the child you have created and see yourself. That’s yours. You made that. She belongs to you. She is a part of your very being, your soul. Forever and ever.

Simple words cannot express the depth of love I feel for her. I love my baby. I love my little girl. But she is not here. I cannot lavish that love upon her. And so, it hurts. It hurts so very badly. Simple words cannot express the depth of pain I feel for her.

To the world,
Please don’t forget her. Don’t forget that she fleeting existence. Don’t forget her beauty. Don’t forget that I am her Mommy, that Daniel is her Daddy, that we are a family. Don’t forget my firstborn baby girl, my Quinny bear. 


7 comments:

  1. Nanny and Papa will always, ALWAYS, remember our Quinn. Our firstborn granddaughter to our first born daughter. How could we forget?

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is so beautifully written Deanne! We love you, we love Quinn, we will never forget!

    ReplyDelete
  3. As a mother of 5 (3 of whom are angels) with fertility challenges and then some....I am sorry for your loss but celebrate with you the arrival and life of Quinn. She is your first and most precious forray into the world of being a Mother. My two sons on Earth are Liam and Quinn (that's right) they are 16 and 10 now. Patience and the support and love of a wonderful husband and extended family brought my dreams to fruition. Your daughter will be your best and most vivid teacher in this life as you move through it. B;essings.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh Deanne. I read this at work - and can't help but fight tears. She has been such a gift to you, and I believe your Quinny Bear will teach you so much more as you experience being a mom with her siblings. I know that I for one, will never forget Quinn, and the journey that you three walked together. Blessings as your journey continues.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Deanne such beautiful words from such a beautiful mommy. Welcome back to blogging. Thank you for being brave and strong enough to share with Quinn with those of us that didn't get the chance to meet her. Anyone that has been touched by you or Daniel will never forget sweet Quinn. And as you walk this journey you will be amazed by how many lives your Quinn will touch and change - her life no matter how short has purpose. And as someone above wrote her siblings will probably feel and know her presence best for Quinn will forever change how you parent - for you and Daniel truly know the fragility of life. Blessings.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Our beautiful granddaughter Quinn will never be forgotten. We cherish those few hours that we had with her. The pictures that captured those moments will be treasured forever. We love you Quinn Oliva !

    ReplyDelete
  7. Love to our baby Quinny, or Nini! Always, always love to your baby Nini!

    ReplyDelete