Friday, November 23, 2012

Baby Weight

I am two months postpartum and my pre-baby jeans are too big.

Cue the I hate you’s.

But this is not a statement of bragging, this is a statement of grieving, of deep loss. 

All tangible signs of her are gone. All physical reminders of her existence have disappeared.
And so, I mourn. I mourn the loss of the belly that carried her. I mourn the loss of the milk that would have sustained her. I mourn the loss of all extra weight that kept her strong and healthy for nine months. 

The weight of this loss is so much greater. 

I am alone. I am just Deanne. You can no longer tell I bore a child, the most beautiful and perfect child.

So please, don’t tell me I look 'back to normal'. There is nothing normal about this. Tell me I look changed, tell me I look different, tell me I look like her mother. 


  1. Was just telling someone today how much you have changed. My darling, Deanne, you know it is not how we wanted things to be, but if it is any consolation, I see Jesus shining through you like never before. And that change couldn't have happened without you becoming a mommy to Quinn. She's changed you.

    For the record, not only do you look like a mother but she looked just like you! Now go eat something fattening!

  2. You aren't normal. You are Deanne. You are Quinny's mum. And everything up till now has made you as you are now. You are Jesus'. You are His creation. And you are so loved.